Shadows

My shadow startles me sometimes. There have been moments — especially when I’m deep in a podcast or listening to music on a run through my neighborhood at night — when suddenly I’m aware of my shadow. In that moment, I begin to wonder if it’s only my shadow or someone there behind me. Other times — such as when I’ve been walking alone downtown or on a wooded trail during the day — I have a different sense that someone follows close behind me. Usually, it’s because of the sounds I’m hearing, but when I turn around, there is nothing to be found outside of the thoughts inside my head. I hope I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’d like to think that others can empathize with this mind game of the unknown, of the “what ifs” and “worst case scenarios” that trigger my fight or flight mechanism. Andrew Hoffman

I find this same startled sensation when I contemplate the shadows of my internal world. This inner contemplation is a familiar place in my professional, personal, and spiritual lives that all seem to merge into one. After all, I’m on the doorstep of my forties, the director of a growing neighborhood development organization, a father of three wonderful and maturing children, I’ve been married to the love of my life for more than a decade, and I am a man on a spiritual journey to figure out what it truly means to follow Jesus while embracing the Christian faith … among about twenty other things that occupy my mental space at any given time. To be contemplative in any one of those areas for more than ten minutes is usually enough to paralyze some people with indecision, denial, and avoidance of the horrifying unknowns that lie in the shadow of one’s self. After all, one thing is certain. If we spend any amount of time in this deeply contemplative space, it often leads to a startling awareness: we all have issues, troubles, doubts, questions, and brokenness inside ourselves. The difficult part is realizing that we’re not quite sure where they came from, why they are there, or what we’re supposed to do with them.

If someone were to ask you how well you know yourself, what would you say? If you’re anything like me, you would probably have a pretty good idea about your desires, values, beliefs, and opinions. You could articulate a code of personal conduct that points to your desired level of “good” as it relates to the type of person you want to be. For the most part, you put in plenty of effort to being kind and generous, making moral and ethical decisions, making healthy and productive decisions, and striving to maintain healthy relationships with the ones you love, the acquaintances and co-workers you share time with, and the strangers you meet in passing. But have you ever snapped at someone for no reason? Made a selfish decision that hurt someone? Intentionally stood someone up without giving them a call? Crossed the street a block earlier than anticipated to avoid the person coming the other way? Dejectedly asked yourself, “Why did I even do that?”

I’m becoming more aware of little outbursts such as these in my own life, weaknesses that run contrary to the way I try to live my life and how I want others to view and know me. My kids are ten and seven right now, which makes me feel like I have lots of regrettable outbursts. As I become more aware of them, I spend more time in contemplation of their origins. I’m learning that I have blind spots deep within the shadow of my personality. Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung describes the areas of our personality that we choose to reject and repress as our “shadow self.” Author and theologian Richard Rohr states, “Our shadow self is any part of ourselves or our institutions that we try to hide or deny because it seems socially unacceptable.”[1]  

I’m sure many people who are reading this are wonderful humans. Maybe you like yourself just the way you are. Therefore, you are struggling to track with this concept or you’re wondering what shadow selves have to do with community development and the future of our city. The disconnect may be that you’re not yet aware of the parts of your personality that are being rejected. However, this unawareness does not mean that they are not coming out of you. A common way our shadow presents itself is through the scapegoat mechanism. Historian Rene Girard demonstrated use of this mechanism to be a foundational principle for the formation of most social groups and cultures, and he found that humankind typically blames anything else except for itself when something goes wrong.[2]  Truly, we’re all rather efficient and successful at suppressing the shadows of our internal world. But why? Because they can be taboo, difficult to talk about, and scary to think they even exist within us. If such darkness begins to surface, we quickly push it back inside due to fear or simply because it startled us — just as our physical shadow startles us in a darkened alley, on a forest trail, or on a nighttime run.
Jack E Othon lists a number of ways our shadow selves present themselves. She is quick to point out that while it may be challenging to see them in ourself, they are easily identifiable in others. This should be an indication that we have some personal work to do.[3] 
 

1. A tendency to harshly judge others, especially if that judgment comes by impulse.
2. Pointing out one’s own insecurities as flaws in others.
3. A quick temper with people in subordinate positions of power.
4. Frequently playing the “victim” in every situation.
5. A willingness to step on others to achieve one’s own end.
6. Unacknowledged biases and prejudices.
7. A messiah complex.

I believe that becoming more aware of our shadow selves is a vital first step in our vision-casting for our city, neighborhoods, and the greater Fort Wayne community as a whole. I would argue that the only sustainable pathway to true community development is the pathway that begins with personal, spiritual, and professional development of our leaders at large. “The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge,” wrote Carl Jung.[4]  Our neighborhoods and communities are comprised of people with varying personalities and even shadow selves. Despite my best efforts to control someone else’s behavior, I can only make progress on improving and enhancing my own. I imagine this reality is true for you as well. But there is good news: if we can all become a little less afraid of our shadows, embrace them as part of our true selves, and learn how to use them for good, then I believe our communities, work places, and neighborhoods will reap the benefits of a heathier “us within them.” We are the only ones responsible for ourselves. Let us simply begin there.

While vastly important on a personal level, I believe this concept has other value that applies to our topic at hand. Let’s return to Jack E Othon’s list of how the shadow presents itself. Instead of using it on ourselves, we can also apply it to our city, our neighborhoods and subdivisions where we live, or in the communities — such as our workplaces — where we spend the bulk of our time. Do you begin to see how those places also have a shadow side? As I’ve spent the last fifteen years interacting with neighbors in need and immersed in the complexities of vulnerable neighborhoods, I’ve become more aware of how a physical place can have a shadow side unique to itself. If outside forces press too hard, authority figures reject it, or injustice and inequality are commonplace, the shadow side comes floating to the surface. In Fort Wayne, we have deeply-rooted shadows from our history that play out on a macro size across our entire city and a micro size as small as a few blocks. We need vision, humility, and a broader number of leaders from all levels and spectrums who are willing to do the hard work — the deep, internal, personal work — in their own lives first. This is a necessary step if we want to lead others into the visionary, forward-thinking work as we focus on creating an environment where progress can be made in our city at large. Can you imagine what might improve if we could create more environments that empower people to become more comfortable with their individual and collective vulnerabilities? It’s only when we can express our vulnerabilities that we can begin inviting or allowing others to help move us toward health and wholeness.

We need not be afraid of our shadow side. Instead, let us learn to acknowledge it, give it space to breathe, and empower its aspects that are beneficial. Growth and transformation will only come through the struggle of dealing with our conflicts, criticisms, poor choices, and the contradictions between what we were taught and what we are learning. “The shadow in and of itself is not the problem. The source of our disease and violence is separation from parts of ourselves, from each other, and from God. Mature religion is meant to re-ligio or re-ligament what our egos and survival instincts have put asunder, namely a fundamental wholeness at the heart of everything,” said Robert A. Johnson.[5]  What society and culture push us toward is a false self where finding and embracing the neutral and mundane characteristics of our personalities becomes our focus for fitting in and co-existing within the communities we share most of our lives with. We have learned to hide all of the bad — and sometimes even the great — aspects of our lives because we’ve learned that there is no place for them in our personality-muted worlds.

Finding and embracing our true identities is the foundational cornerstone of a transformative future. When we begin to accept our True Self — the self that pushes past the shame brought on by our brokenness through confession and grace — then we can begin to form a more solid foundation for true development. This is vital because it allows us to gain confidence and to think more empathetically and cooperatively with one another due to the expansion of our worldviews. Our fears diminish, the comfort we have in our brokenness settles in, and the knowledge that our stories can help another person’s journey increases. Conversation is essential to this process. Community engagement tools, such as asset-based mapping and placemaking research, are two methods I use to facilitate the dialogue needed to begin the identity-defining process. I’ve found the more intimate and safe an environment is, the deeper the dive into the discovery journey may be. We must also recognize that the path any person or place takes toward transformation usually requires proximity, relationship, accountability, hard work, and a whole lot of trust. If you can get people engaged in this process, you can get them actively moving in the necessary direction.

In our shadows lie our struggles. In our shadows lie our greatest hopes. If we could take the time to gather, listen, confess, document, and identify the unknowns of these shadows — first within ourselves and then within our communities — I believe we can then become the world-class city we all aspire to be. However, if we do that work and do it well, I also believe that our definition of success, as it relates to becoming a “world class” city, will get redefined along the way. But is that such a bad thing?

“People who accept themselves accept others. People who hate themselves hate others. Only Divine Light gives us permission, freedom, and courage to go all the way down into our depths and meet our shadow,” said Richard Rohr.[6] 

This essay is part of a citizen-led book project in Fort Wayne called FORTHCOMING: Considering the Future State of Our City. To learn more and read additional essays, visit the Foreword and Preface.

Andrew Hoffman believes that social innovation & the power of entrepreneurship can transform communities. These beliefs began to take shape with NeighborLink in 2005 as a volunteer and then as the Executive Director for the next 13 years. Andrew saw more than 10,000 tangible home repair projects completed, established the NeighborLink Network, and created Neighboring Productions during his tenure at NeighborLink. Andrew began a new season in his professional life in 2021 that combines his strengths as a strategic communicator with his passion for empowering others at Sinapis, which is headquartered in Indianapolis. Andrew is a graduate of Huntington University and Taylor University’s MBA program, enjoyed family life in a historic South Central Fort Wayne neighborhood for 14 years, and strives each day to become a better neighbor.